Paul’s teaching on children in Colossians 3:20–21, reflecting the Fifth Commandment, contrasts with ancient and modern attitudes.
Children! Obey. Paul includes you among the valuable saints (or holy ones) in his greeting, Colossians 1:2. You are part of the church. Paul can address you specifically. Your special responsibility is obedience to your parents. Paul describes that in sweeping terms: “in everything.” (Of course, a commandment to sin is excepted.) Included in obedience is all the respect implied in the Fifth Commandment. Check the attitude you express (or conceal within) as you submit. This is a specific area in which the peace of Christ is ruling in your hearts. Look at the price at which that peace was purchased. Put it into practice in the family.
Your responsibility is not only to your parents. Please God. God is pleased when you obey! This parallels Paul’s words to slaves, verse 24. There is an authority structure in employment, whether the slavery of the ancient world or the workplace today. There is no separate commandment dealing with this, but Paul takes it up immediately after dealing with the Fifth Commandment and it relationship to parents and children. Obey ultimately because you submit to the authority of Jesus Christ. In Ephesians 6:1-4 Paul paraphrases the Fifth Commandment, with its command to honor your parents. Given a different point in redemptive history, he (inspired by the Spirit) modifies the promise. The authority structure of the home is part of a whole authority structure which God ordained. The covenant is basic to understanding the Christian home as well as the church of Jesus Christ. It prepares children for public life, where they will be governed by the hands of others, just as they are presently governed by the hands of parents. This is God’s will, and thus a refection of God’s governance.
Give thanks that you have a perfect Father in heaven. Have you been blessed with parents who know the Lord and seek to serve him? Give thanks to God for that? But what about situations in which parents end up being cruel or abusive? It may be a struggle for you even to pray the Lord’s Prayer, which begins, “Our Father in heaven….” In that case remember that God is far greater than any earthly parent. He is the perfect Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, and he is your Father as you trust in Jesus.
Parents! Don’t discourage your child. Over-discipline can be discouraging. Don’t cut off communication. Don’t under-discipline. A child needs the security of discipline. Ultimately, it shows that a parent really cares. Failure to discipline properly leads to frustration on the child’s part (and then also on the parents!). Your children are precious, not only to you, but to God.
“They [fathers] must avoid all that would irritate or exasperate the children — injustice, severity, constant fault-finding, etc. — lest they become discouraged.” (Geoffrey B. Wilson, Colossians and Philemon: a Digest of Reformed Comment, p.81)
Discipline in a godly way. Use training and instruction, Ephesians 6:4. Remember that your child is a person made in God’s image, not a Pavlovian animal. Spend time with your children. Spend time in the Word with them. That includes family devotions and informal conversations. Note the balance of the passage. In ancient times problems tended to be blamed on wives, children, and slaves. (Today it is fashionable to lay all responsibility on parents.) Paul admonishes and instructs both sides in all these case. Build on the foundation that the Word provides, seeing children as a blessing (and not just an inconvenience), as made in God’s image, under the practice of discipline in your home. Can you preface what you say in discipline and instruction with “in the name of Jesus Christ”? Paul addresses the fathers, as those with the primary responsibility, as heads of their homes. The father is to support his wife’s discipline. Ultimately your discipline is to reflect that which God extends to you, Hebrews 12:5–11.
“But what we must realize is that God, who is himself a father—the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ and of all Christians through him—cares about families enormously. Family life, with its built-in responsibilities for both parents and children, is part of his purpose for all, and the way we behave as children and parents is a prime test of both our humanity and our godliness. Love—the caring love of parents who respect their children and want to see them mature and the grateful love of children who respect their parents and want to see them content—is our great need here.” (J. I. Packer, Keeping the 10 Commandments, p. 73)
Parents, reflect Christ’s attitude of service. Depend, not on your discipline methods, but on the grace of God and the work of the Holy Spirit. Don’t succumb to a reformed version of the health and wealth gospel when it comes to family life! Recognize that God has given you authority as parents, but the focus of authority in Scripture is on service. The Son of Man has ultimate authority, but he came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Children, see the hand of God in the hand of your parents as they discipline you. Parents, remember that you are reflecting the hand of God as you lead your children in his paths.